THE CHURCH OF THE SUBGENIUS ONLINE PAMPHLET DISTRIBUTE FREELY TO EVERYONE (available at www.subgenius.com)
excerpted from the Book of the SubGenius by J.R. “Bob” Dobbs compiled and edited by the Reverend Kareem du Gristle of the Church of the SubGenius, Santa Cruz 25 Hour Clench (Modified by Reverend Modemac on August 10, 1997) “Time Control? You've come to the right place…”
ARE YOU ABNORMAL? Then you are probably BETTER than most people!
IF you suspect that things are much worse than you ever suspected-
IF the only thing you've been able to laugh at for the last 5 years is the fact that NOTHING is funny anymore-
IF you sometimes want to collar people on the street and scream that you're more different than they could possible *imagine*-
IF you can possibly help us with a donation-
IF you see the whole universe as one vast morbid sense of sick humor-
IF the current “Age of Progress” seems more like the Dark Ages to you-
IF you are looking for an inherently contradictory religion that will condone megadegeneracy and yet tell you that you are “above” everyone else-
Then… The Church of the SubGenius could save your sanity!
-Your secret wishes can be granted in full - once you know what they are! “You'll PAY to know what you REALLY think.”-J.R. “Bob” Dobbs, 1961
NOW, AT LAST! The step-by-step process is revealed! THIS IS IT! - the only “faith” that promises ACTION- THRILLS- SUCCESS IN SEX AND BUSINESS!
Feeling like there's just no SLACK?
You may have 'snapped' already from the information disease! (“The sleep of reason begets monsters.”) Look to the High Unpredictables of the Church of the SubGenius for pancultural deprogramming and resynchronization! Perfect your subliminal vision -edit your memory- *relive your reincarnality* SYNC UP! THE SUBGENIUS MUST HAVE SLACK!
Using SubGenius secrets of BULLDADA and MOREALISM you can now MIRACULOUSLY ELIMINATE COMPULSIVE URGES such as smoking, eating, sleeping, working; end baldness, constipation, sex-money problems, assouliness, and painful shortage of SLACK!
Become a Doktor of the Forbidden Sciences…make religion a kick-ass adventure! Indulge in Self-Help through Raising Hell!
The SubGenius: Patriot Personal Nurd or Savior or Alien? or Hero? False Prophet? Inspired Madman or Complete Jackass?
Thought you'd tried everything? YOU AIN'T SEEN NOTHIN' YET! Learn to THINK BIG! Develop the tricks of Length Extension! Bring your *weirdest dreams* to rampaging LIFE!
Stand erect for you own abnormality. WISE UP! *They're* out to get you.
The “different” are being silenced by a global conspiracy. WEIRDOS ARISE!! You probably already knew that the U.S. Government is a SHAM- something propped up there for you to *blame*. But did you know that the *real* “powers that be” are not even *people*? That they are actually shambling, unbelievable, unmentionable, unthinkable THINGS??
YES! JEHOVAH IS AN ALIEN AND STILL THREATENS THIS PLANET!
Defy the sinister “Star Forces” which mock us all. Evil demons have kept the truth from humanity for thousands of years - God has been misquoted all this time! His actual words may disturb you…but “Bob” Dobbs is a bulwark against the unbearable fear and anxiety tormenting mankind. “There's no 'Prob'…With “Bob”!”
“Bob” is a way of life to *millions* - yet *half* of them don't even KNOW it! He is the one true LIVING SLACK MASTER with the spiritual know-how to help you BASH THROUGH the locked doorway to FINANCIAL HEAVEN. He is the *only* real Short-Cut to Slack.
SEE ANOTHER DIMENSION ON YOUR TV
“Bob's” promise is to widen the scope and nature of abnormal behavior…to explore NEW WAYS of going over the edge and coming back. PLUS to bring back those who couldn't on their own…to help you create the HIGHEST POSSIBLE EARNINGS from the PSYCHODYMANICS of ABNORMALITY… to turn Conspiracy-implanted personality disorders AROUND and channel them into an ILLUSION OF CREATIVITY that will fool normals and GET YOU SEX!
[PUMP your BRAIN!] As you learn more and more reliable, safe methods of Time Control, you will find your I.Q. increasing - your very cranium will seem to pulsate from within, barely able to contain the turmoil of glorious new concepts and mental skills. Soon you'll be able to withstand COMMUNICATION WITH THE XISTS, our mentors in space; you will be ready for TRANSFIGURATION into a new physical body, a more powerful one, built to contain the surging mental and material mutations that your brain now generates. YES - become an OVERHUMAN, a dangerous and feared superhuman of the future! Yet - because your SubGenius roots can never be forgotten - you won't be able to abuse your powers, but instead make them an unstoppable force for GOOD and JUSTICE, choosing always to defend the oppressed SubGenius wherever they may be!
The world is a turkey, and “Bob” gives you the carving knife.
Fear THE STARK FIST OF REMOVAL no longer!
Become PHYSICALLY ATTRACTIVE- overnight!
Attain STATUS - LUCK - PROSPERITY by blowing them off!
When you join this “Order of the Knights of Wotan,” you get a mastery of fighting skills…good health, an attractive personality, and a WEIRD ABILITY TO INFLUENCE OTHERS! To BEND THEM to your WILL!
You'll learn INCANTATIONS that lead to MASTERY over FISCAL PLANES… the OCCULT TECHNOLOGY of FINANCE POWER…E-Z ways to borrow money - from other people who don't have it either!
Achieve SHEER GUT BLOWOUT.
Our “ascetism” consists solely of the abstinence from abstinence. Give up the not giving into of temptation! Think thoughts that no human has ever dared think before. You CAN learn to recall memories from the past that you had forgotten, or that never existed at all.
CONTACT ALIENS BOTH BENEVOLENT AND EVIL!
The Church of the SubGenius the first and last stand against a crumbling world filled with Pinks and Glorps.
“SURVIVE THE GREAT CATACLYSMS THROUGH UFO TRANSPORT!”
The idea that America (or any country) values individuality as the highest ideal is a myth. Perhaps in simpler times it was true, but no MODERN industrial society can really afford a population of unpredictables. This is not surprising – the long history of our cult's persecution by the Conspiracy goes back for generations untold, and indeed there are signs of their hoary repression of prehuman SubGenii dating from BEFORE “man's” appearance on Earth. All of civilization's painful and misguided climb up from the primeval slime, and its subsequent loss of Slack AND OF ANY CLASS AT ALL, has been indelibly marked, nay, ENTIRELY MOTIVATED, by the aeons- bridging conflict between the Conspiracy's mindlessly chickenshit Witless Principals and the Jehovah-spawned, grandiose depravity of the superior yet ethnically all-encompassing race of latent SubGeniuses. (You should know this – YOU WERE/WILL BE THERE IN THE BEFORELIFE!) The fact that only in recent years has “our kind” begun to recognize our own sovereignty demonstrates both how vicious have been Their efforts at further denying us Slack and yet how near is our race to TRIUMPH.
All this is ULTIMATE PROOF that Jehovah 1 has not only promoted the SubGenius as His Special Tool, but has SIMULTANEOUSLY pulled the strings which make THEM endarken Themselves with their hereditary ignorance AND US with their cubistic witch-hunt superstitions. His “reason” for this two-faced obedience-school programming, this fissioning of history into binary “war equations,” unfortunately, or, perhaps, thankfully, remains at total mystery.
But Jehovah 1 is not alone in His cosmic meddling, for Earth has been periodically visited for thousands of years by BENEVOLENT ALIENS of such technical and psychic superiority that their powers, while no match for Jehovah's, are nonetheless nothing short of “Godlike” to we roaches, the Human Race. These BENIGN SPACE MONSTERS, the “X-ists,” have walked among us throughout history, investigating and sometimes resisting the subatomically-pervading presence of Jehovah 1. We are not, then, alone in our battle/subservience. The rise and “fall” of Atlantis, the erection of the Pyramids and other monuments which NO SLOPEHEADS ALONE COULD BUILD, the miracles of the Old Testament, all these and more are events so inextricably interwoven with the invisible background war between Jehovah and the Xists that all the “Ancient Astronaut” fossils in the world furnish only the barest of clues. (The movie rights ALONE to these gut-splitting tales of reincarnancient history are worth MILLIONS!) Yea, it has even been suggested that the Carpenter of Nazareth himself, God Jr., Jesus 'What, Me Worry?' Christ, was in actuality a 'space detective' of the Xists, walking the Earth in human form with the mission of extricating us from the Monster God's grip.
The black shadow of the Conspiracy, unfortunately, has seen to it that even His teachings were diluted and distorted until human attempts to follow them were fully as misguided as the carving of the heads of Easter Island or the 'runways' of Nazca.
And so the true history of the SubGenius has been kept secret from Man. For Jehovah 1 is to the Xists and Us what a hungry fisherman is to a prize fish and his favorite pet worm - the last in the can. How many million other races were used before us in these ghastly galactic water-sports?
For YOU are lucky enough to “live” in the End Times when the Word of Jehovah's Prime Ordinance has been made known to “Man”kind by the Primanimal SubGenius, the High Epopt of the Church!
In the early Fifties an industrious young American drilling equipment salesman, while watching late-night TV, was abruptly REMOVED and transported astrally to the 'IDGE' of JEHOVAH 1 HIMSELF! In this seizure-like trance he took the brunt of the first brain-buffeting communications of countless to come from the alien Jehovah: awesome pronouncements which form the sacred PRESCRIPTURES of the SubGenius (available for $19.98 at most bookstores!)
This milestone in Man's mined path to Slack was:
THE DIVINE EMACULATION OF J.R. “BOB” DOBBS!!
Image © 1997 The SubGenius Foundation, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
Click “Bob's” Graven Image to hear a SECRET MESSAGE! [RealAudio File.]
Who IS “Bob”?
While yet the least approachable or scrutable of the vast SubGenius membership, he is the preeminent and most frequently invoked of the godzillion PERSONAL SAVIORS of the SubGenius. While he remains an anonymous executive shunning publicity or recognition at a faceless multinational corporation, he is nevertheless The Most Ascended Master, the original Retriever of Jehovah's Message on Earth and basic model of the Archetype SubGenius. He set the “anti-pattern” of random conduct among all those who are now practicing SubGeniuses. His are the defects and peccadilloes that we 'analize,' his the SLONGS and the JESTS which we devotedly twist and distort for future generations according to our unexplored whims. – AND YET the only photos of him that exist are grainy frame blow-ups from Grade Z movie thrillers in which he played bit parts!
Dobbs is, of course, the ultimate symbol of SubGeniusness, but despite/because of his infra-human mediumship he possesses one single failing above and beyond all other shortcomings: his omninclusive FOLLIES. Yet where they would be crippling stumbling-blocks for another person, in Dobbs they loom stranger-than-life. His ten billion all-too-human quasimodalities embody, in some cheaply symbolic way, all the Foibles of the Primate Race. Dobbs is a miacrocosm encapsulating the imperfektions of the so-called 'human condition;' his Blunders and Idiocies, errors and inadvertencies are perhaps more sacrosanct, more deserving of analization than even his hallowed salesmanship. None of “Bob's” words or deeds are particularly spectacular; their holiness lies IN their nondescript but inviolate triviality. As Dobbs once 'spouted,' “THE STUPIDER IT LOOKS, THE MORE IMPORTANT IT PROBABLY IS.”
You too can can be a part of this WAVE OF THE FUTURE!
Make *strangeness* work for YOU!
Thought you were 'ordinary'? WRONG.
Tap your secret Abnormality Potential.
Take control through liberated weirdness.
Bob TV! You may be suffering under many potentially dangerous misconceptions about the Church of the SubGenius. This isn't some small-time mail-order comedy publisher working on a minuscule budget out of an anonymous garret, but a powerful conglomerate of talented, wealthy professional abnormals with state-of-the-art equipment, living it up in a downtown Dallas skyscraper.
And that's only The SubGenius Foundation Inc. Our publications are merely the TIP of a ROGUE ICEBERG of real-world activism by thousands of uncontrollable “Zombies for 'Bob.'” IT'S WAY TOO LATE FOR US TO STOP THEM NOW…the World SubGenius Church relentlessly replicates itself in loathsome tenements, in basements and attics, in mansions and igloos, everywhere, but grows like a cancer BEST right in the wholesome breadbasket of America (and the REST of the world, too!). Packs of untamed SubGenii run amok in sick “Gut Blowout” party/rituals; “Bob” rises leering over a lurid post-1984 landscape like a transcendent, mutated Alfred E. Newman, the “New Man,” his Face stenciled on overpasses, the nameless cry of the rebel forces – “SLACK!” – scrawled across abandoned 7-11s…
WEIRDOS: Feel smarter than those around you, but constantly stomped back? Receive an unbelievable booklet for one dollar - just the cost of ten trips to a pay-toilet! This pamphlet is chock-full of information on the sacred rites of FORNICATIONALISM and EXCREMEDITATION, mind-blowing artwork, and above all the first step on your path towards TOTAL SLACK!
A very simple deposit achieves *INSTANT SLACK* at a savings of *$5000!* Unbelievably unusual pamphlets. Damn weird. Totally new.
Send $1 to:
The Church of the SubGenius P.O. Box 181417 Cleveland Heights, OH 44118-1417
and you'll NEVER be the same again…
THE SPACE BANKERS SEE YOU!
THE END IS NEAR!
COME GOOD ALWAYS!
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