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Other So-Called Mainstream Religious Stuff


Like other mutants in the Church of the SubGenius, I've been watching this so-called “war on terrorism” with a jaundiced eye. In the space of only a few short years, the United States has managed to take a true disaster and turn it into a political issue that allows Da Gub-mint to go charing around the world, doing whatever it wants and spending unlimited amounts of money on it, and chalking it all up to the so-called “war on terrorism.” Meanwhile, terrorism continues unabated in Indonesia, in Israel and Palestine, in central Africa, in Russia, in India…and all we can do is say “The world is safer now that So-Darn Hinsane is gone!” And as I watched this, it occurred to me that we really don't know very much about this “enemy,” about these terrorists, and about the religion (Islam) that they use as an excuse to murder innocent people.

So I started looking into Islam – and I was amazed to discover many parallels between Islam and the Church of the SubGenius! There's a new, vast, fertile area for us to steal from, something that we've barely touched upon yet. We've mocked and stolen from Christianity, and lately there's been a lot more Pagan/New Age crap added to SubGenius dogma…but there hasn't been too much stolen from Islam yet. And to many Americans, Islam is all about “the enemy.” To many Pink idiots, Muslims are towel-wearing barbarians who want to destroy us all. And yet, they can say the SAME THING about the Church of the SubGenius!

Islam is founded upon a platform known as the Five Pillars. The Church of the SubGenius has a viewpoint very similar to that of Islam.

For instance:

  • The First Pillar of Islam, Shahadah, is for a believer to state from his heart, “There is no God but God (Allah), and Mohammed is his Prophet.” The Church of the SubGenius states: “The SubGenius MUST have SLACK!” Truly, there is no “Bob” but “Bob,” and mighty are his profits!
  • The Second Pillar of Islam, Salat, is to pray towards the Kaaba in the city of Makkah five times a day, reciting verses from the Quran. Now, as you know, SubGenius dogma is ANYTHING composed by a SubGenius and declared to be official SubGenius dogma. In this repsect, then, we are superior to the Salat because we are CONSTANTLY reciting SubGenius dogma! Especially on alt.slack, and on IRC!
  • The Third Pillar of Islam, the Fast, is to observe the month of Ramadan and to fast during this time. This is as much a ritual of self-purification as it is meant for your health. The Church of the SubGenius likewise commands you to not only eat that hamburger – but to EAT THE HELL OUT OF IT! As with the Fast, this is not just for health, but for purification purposes. Eating the HELL out of that damn burger is what we are meant to do!
  • The Fourth Pillar of Islam, Zakat, is to help the poor and give alms. The Church of the SubGenius also commands us to give our money to the poor – namely, the Church of the SubGenius itself! Giving money to “Bob” is as important as Muslims giving alms to the poor!
  • The Fifth Pillar of Islam, Hajj, is to journey to the city of Makkah in Saudi Arabia at least once in your lifetime. And again, the Church of the SubGenius commands you to make your own journey: the journey to X-Day! Even if you can't actually travel to Wisteria (though you should), you must still prepare for the moment when the Xists will Rupture you away. This is your own SubGenius Hajj – the Road to Helle!

And perhaps the most important similarity: In the eyes of the Conspiracy, the Church of the SubGenius consists of nothing but TERRORISTS. We are just a bunch of evil computer hackers, pornographers, software pirates, music thieves, and non-Christian blasphemers! Our evil ways are standing in the path of the all-important War On Terrorism…even though WE, ourselves, are supposed to be considered equal and have the same rights as law-abiding Pinks. SubGenii are persecuted, and they continue to be persecuted; and because of our religious beliefs, we are lumped in with the evil Terrorists.

So, in preparation for X-Day, I took a look at Islam to assist in bringing the Web page up to date. It is certainly true that like all other religions, Islam consists of mostly PINKS. But the idea behind Islam certainly has some good points – and in order for us to keep up with the times (and to properly mock the so-called “war on terrorism” ), I can see a lot of ways for us to steal the best ideas from Islam, without having to rely on the worn-out stereptype of “evil Muslim terrorists.”

This is one reason why the pilgrimage to X-Day is truly the ROAD TO HELLE. Like the Hajj, X-Day is a commandment for all SubGenii (who can afford it) to travel to a distant land, engage in obscure religious rites, dress in strange clothes (or no clothes at all), and try to survive in an outdoor environment that is very different from the sanitized areas we usually live in. And most important of all, the ROAD TO HELLE is not just a journey to another sci-fi con…it is a religious pilgrimage that is meant to be a truly life-changing experience. It is the culmination of everything we have strived for – the Rupture – and it is the best damn excuse in the world for us to look at the rest of the world and say FUCK 'EM IF THEY CAN'T TAKE A JOKE.

There are only A FEW MONTHS to go until the End of the World! This means that if you women get busy having kids right now, then you'll have the honor of giving birth to the FIRST GENERATION of mutants born after X-Day! So start going at it, beginning RIGHT NOW! But most of all, we will be expecting your presence on July 5th, at the end of the ROAD TO HELLE!

The a-Rab

  • A zine put together by Muslims in the USA, dedicated to opposing anti-Muslim hatred.


  • Islam has its closed-door cult groups, too, just like Christianity.

Al-Islam: Islamic Website

  • A basic introduction to the tenets of Islam.

Faith Freedom

  • A Web site maintained by ex-Muslims who portray Islam as a religion of hate (however, their arguments are stronger than most Christian sites).

The Holy Quran

  • The Quran online, available for download and easy reference.

The Hajj

  • A look into the Muslim Pilgrimage to Makkah.

Islamic Creationism

  • Creationist whackos abound in Islam as well as Christianity.

Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan: The Master of Qawwali

Allah u Akbar

  • Islamic conspiracy theories galore.

Radio Islam

  • The Jews are behind it all…and these guys really mean it when they say they're behind everything!


“There are thousands of them trolling the Usenet - many more out there in the real world. Many of them have made a Usenet 'career' out of virulent hatred of Israel. They are usually American or English. Many of them habitually troll Jewish newsgroups such as soc.culture.israel.

“They claim to be 'anti-Zionists' or 'anti-Israeli'. They stridently maintain that their best friends are Jews and that they don't hate Jews - only Israel.
“They claim their desire for the destruction of Israel (or as Doc Martian said in a 2004 post, the firebombing of Israel) is only motivated by political concerns for the oppression of the Palestinian people. They couch their hatred as 'humanitarian' concerns.

“Yes, Israel has treated the Palestinians very badly, and many times seems to be intent on becoming what they hate.

“But why ONLY Israel? Aren't other governments guilty of the same - or worse crimes - the genocidal or near-genocidal treatment of minorities?

“Brazil has forcibly relocated huge portions of the native population of the Amazon Basin, either to 'camps' or into the festering garbage heap that is Rio de Janeiro. Native women have been forcibly sterilized. No one knows how many have been killed.

“I don't think I've ever come across an anti-Brazilian on the Usenet and I've never seen a word about the devastion of the native population from these humanitarian-minded 'anti-Zionists'.

“The French have been slowly NUKING the Micronesians out of existence. Only Greenpeace seems to have noticed that. The genocidal war between the Hutus and the Tutsi didn't seem to concern the 'anti-Zionists' much.

“The U.S. has the Native Americans. Britain has the Irish. The Australians have the Aborigines. Where are the anti-Australian trolls?

“Then there are the Big Boys - China and the Soviet Union. Nazi Germany was a piker compared to these masters of killing. A conservative estimate would put their combined body count in the HUNDREDS OF MILLIONS in the last century - many of them national or ethnic minorities.

“Almost every nation on this planet has commited atrocity after atrocity against minorities within their national borders.
“But there is a deafening silence on all of this from the 'anti-Israeli' crowd.

“So, again, why only Israel? What singles Israel out for these trolls' hatred? What's so different about Israel?


* Polite anti-Semite is a phrase from High Weirdness by Mail - on the same subject.”

– posted to alt.slack by Reverend SODDI, August 24, 2008. Rev. Ivan Stang's reply: “Jew-hating and racism in general are apparently a great comfort to drunks on welfare.” 1)

My argument against the existence of a Jewish Conspiracy is as follows: If “Da Jooz” really DID rule the world, then we would all be spending a week in December celebrating Hanukkah rather than Christmas. But we don't, therefore there isn't. QED.

However, what I really want to know is: If there is a Jewish plot, then how do I get in on it? I've got too many bills, a so-so job, a car that needs fixing, and dreams of power. I'm ready to sell out! Whisk me away to Israel, prick my finger, and initiate me into those secret cabalistic rites! If it means I get to run the behind-the-scenes action of a city or two, then I'm up for it. It sounds like FUN!

Anglicans for Israel

  • A political lobbying group based in England that works to counter anti-Israeli hype and attacks in the media.

Jewish Defense League

  • Narrow-minded pro-Israel zealots who oppose narrow-minded anti-Israel zealots.

Judeo-Christian View

  • A call for Jewish rabbis and Christian priests to work together, to end the barrier between Church and State in the United States.

Kabbalah Centre

  • Celebrity cults are all the fashion these days, aren't they?

The Protocols of the Elders of Zion

  • You can't have a weirdness page without mentioning this load of crap.

Talk Warrior Internet Radio

  • Live from Mt. Sinai (Massachusetts, not Israel): an Internet talk radio show that battles evil Satanic conspiracies.


  • The Zionist Occupational Government is behind it all! Really! They all tell us it's true, so it must be true!


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other_so-called_mainstream_religious_stuff.txt · Last modified: 2011/10/16 12:57 (external edit)