Sermonizing and Rants
The Top XXX Cliches of alt.sex.stories
The newsgroup alt.sex.stories has always been one of the most popular text newsgroups on the entire Net. Even in the midst of an unending flood of spam, the group continues to offer erotica and text smut from an eternal parade of wanna-be authors, established writers, and people who enjoy every sort of imaginable (and sometimes unimaginable) kink. But Sturgeon's Law governs alt.sex.stories as it does every other creative medium, and as a result a great many of the stories posted there are repitious and even hilariously bad. On a whim, I've decided to gather together some of the most over-used and abused literary traps and clichés existing on the newsgroup. These bits are a great example of the gulf between fantasy and real-life…but that also illustrates how unnecessary it is to put limits, rules, or any sort of censorship on the newsgroup. After all, most of the stories on there are merely fiction, and as has been said enough times in the past: If you don't like it, don't read it.
X-Day Is Coming: July 5, 2012
X-Day is coming! The Blessed Day when the Alien Sex Goddesses shall at last arrive on Earth and proceed with THE RUPTURE! All card-carrying, Truly Ordained, PAID UP SubGenius Ministers shall be SNATCHED UP into the Cosmos to spend Eternity (or at least the Journey to Planet X) engaging in a VAST ORGAZMONIC RITUAL OF SEXHURT!! After SIX MILLION YEARS of persecution, discrimation, and torture at the hands of the Conspiracy, we shall FINALLY take our place at the right hand of JHVH-1 and HAVE OUR REVENGE on the ones who have made our lives a SHEER, UNENDING HELL!!! The Apocalypse begins on July 5th, 2012…and it will last FOREVER!! (Not only that, but the SEX will be fantastic, too!) AND YOU ARE INVITED!
In The Name Of Protecting The Children
Jeffrey Douglas is the Executive Director of the Free Speech Coalition, a lobbying firm and free speech defense organization founded by the adult industry to combat the Conspiracy's attempt to wipe out pornography. Porn is often boring, repetitive, and disgusting, but it is also on the cutting edge of the issue of free speech, and as such the Conspiracy is forever trying to stop people from seeing what they do in their own homes, every night, all over the world. One of the more insidious rallying cries being used by the Conspiracy to rob us of our right to think for ourselves is to use the mantra “Protect the Children” as a way for them to rape us and get away with it. The First Online Church of “Bob” is proud to host this article from Gauntlet magazine, issue #14, written by Mr. Douglas and decrying the witch hunts and hysterical attacks on our natural Slack under the guise of “protecting the children.”
ÜberFemme Sex Goddesses
If there's one particular faction of the Church of the SubGenius
that has attracted more recruits to our insidious cult than any other, it's the WOMEN of the Church! Yes, it's true – this Church really IS a sex cult! Not only are there lovely women in the Church who are dying to meet you…these women are pure GODDESSES! And I'm not just saying that because, one and all, they are gorgeous, luscious visions of beauty. The ÜberFemmes are also among the most ass-kickin', sociable, and noble women it has ever been my pleasure to associate with!
Slackful Porn Stars
Not necessarily the same as the UberFemme Sex Goddesses above…here is a listing of some of the greatest names in porn. Some of these famous names are, in fact, fully ordained SubGenius ministers! Others are listed here because they've made names for themselves as true mutant porn stars. They're not only lucious sex objects – nay! They have that something special that makes them true SubGenii. They have SLACK!
The Best Amateur Erotica Sites On The Internet
These Web sites are unique among the vast wasteland of Internet porn for two reasons: 1) They are truly dedicated to offering QUALITY erotica without any rip-offs, and as such you can talk about these sites in public without being embarassed. 2) The First Online Church of “Bob” is proud to include the terrific people responsible for these erotica sites as good online friends! They're not just anonymous strangers, but rather they are GOOD PEOPLE. Praise “Bob” and “Connie!”
Hoot Island: Silly Erotica For No Good Reason
I love this site, and you will too! The webmaster here enjoys showing pictures of happy, laughing, smiling sex…the best kind. The fun kind!
Jane Duvall's 'Net Sex Guide
You know those stupid spam emails you get every day for “free webcam chat with horny women?” Well, this place really is a free adult webcam chat! And yes, there really are women here who use their webcams.
The Best Of The Rest
Useful Sexual Sites