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Sermonizing and Rants

The Top XXX Cliches of

  • The newsgroup has always been one of the most popular text newsgroups on the entire Net. Even in the midst of an unending flood of spam, the group continues to offer erotica and text smut from an eternal parade of wanna-be authors, established writers, and people who enjoy every sort of imaginable (and sometimes unimaginable) kink. But Sturgeon's Law governs as it does every other creative medium, and as a result a great many of the stories posted there are repitious and even hilariously bad. On a whim, I've decided to gather together some of the most over-used and abused literary traps and clichés existing on the newsgroup. These bits are a great example of the gulf between fantasy and real-life…but that also illustrates how unnecessary it is to put limits, rules, or any sort of censorship on the newsgroup. After all, most of the stories on there are merely fiction, and as has been said enough times in the past: If you don't like it, don't read it.

X-Day Is Coming: July 5, 2012

  • X-Day is coming! The Blessed Day when the Alien Sex Goddesses shall at last arrive on Earth and proceed with THE RUPTURE! All card-carrying, Truly Ordained, PAID UP SubGenius Ministers shall be SNATCHED UP into the Cosmos to spend Eternity (or at least the Journey to Planet X) engaging in a VAST ORGAZMONIC RITUAL OF SEXHURT!! After SIX MILLION YEARS of persecution, discrimation, and torture at the hands of the Conspiracy, we shall FINALLY take our place at the right hand of JHVH-1 and HAVE OUR REVENGE on the ones who have made our lives a SHEER, UNENDING HELL!!! The Apocalypse begins on July 5th, 2012…and it will last FOREVER!! (Not only that, but the SEX will be fantastic, too!) AND YOU ARE INVITED!

In The Name Of Protecting The Children

  • Jeffrey Douglas is the Executive Director of the Free Speech Coalition, a lobbying firm and free speech defense organization founded by the adult industry to combat the Conspiracy's attempt to wipe out pornography. Porn is often boring, repetitive, and disgusting, but it is also on the cutting edge of the issue of free speech, and as such the Conspiracy is forever trying to stop people from seeing what they do in their own homes, every night, all over the world. One of the more insidious rallying cries being used by the Conspiracy to rob us of our right to think for ourselves is to use the mantra “Protect the Children” as a way for them to rape us and get away with it. The First Online Church of “Bob” is proud to host this article from Gauntlet magazine, issue #14, written by Mr. Douglas and decrying the witch hunts and hysterical attacks on our natural Slack under the guise of “protecting the children.”

ÜberFemme Sex Goddesses

  • If there's one particular faction of the Church of the SubGenius that has attracted more recruits to our insidious cult than any other, it's the WOMEN of the Church! Yes, it's true – this Church really IS a sex cult! Not only are there lovely women in the Church who are dying to meet you…these women are pure GODDESSES! And I'm not just saying that because, one and all, they are gorgeous, luscious visions of beauty. The ÜberFemmes are also among the most ass-kickin', sociable, and noble women it has ever been my pleasure to associate with!

Slackful Porn Stars

  • Not necessarily the same as the UberFemme Sex Goddesses above…here is a listing of some of the greatest names in porn. Some of these famous names are, in fact, fully ordained SubGenius ministers! Others are listed here because they've made names for themselves as true mutant porn stars. They're not only lucious sex objects – nay! They have that something special that makes them true SubGenii. They have SLACK!

The Best Amateur Erotica Sites On The Internet

These Web sites are unique among the vast wasteland of Internet porn for two reasons: 1) They are truly dedicated to offering QUALITY erotica without any rip-offs, and as such you can talk about these sites in public without being embarassed. 2) The First Online Church of “Bob” is proud to include the terrific people responsible for these erotica sites as good online friends! They're not just anonymous strangers, but rather they are GOOD PEOPLE. Praise “Bob” and “Connie!”

Hoot Island: Silly Erotica For No Good Reason

  • I love this site, and you will too! The webmaster here enjoys showing pictures of happy, laughing, smiling sex…the best kind. The fun kind!

Jane Duvall's 'Net Sex Guide

  • Jane Duvall is the Roger Ebert of porn sites! When she looks at a site and reviews it on her page, you can be sure her review will be brutally honest.


  • You know those stupid spam emails you get every day for “free webcam chat with horny women?” Well, this place really is a free adult webcam chat! And yes, there really are women here who use their webcams.


  • A huge (10000+) collection of amateur erotica fiction with th e common theme of tranformation, mainly male to female.

The Best Of The Rest Strategically Placed Holes

  • When Furries Go Over The Edge: People who like to have sex with their stuffed animals. (At least they won't catch an STD!)

Beautiful Agony

  • Head-and-shoulders movies of people coming. It's that simple. Is it art? Is it comment?

Blowfish Home Page

  • A supplier of sex toys that you probably can't buy at your local 7-Eleven down the street.

Body Bouncer

  • Ever use a trampoline as a sex toy?


  • Women donate pictures of their breasts to raise money for charity!


  • A supplier of condoms who know how to do business right on the Internet. They do not spam!

Dean Yeagle

  • Suggestive cartoon pin-up girls who are a hell of a lot sexier than most of the hardcore toon porn out there.

Divine Interventions

  • Sorry, it's not a religious anti-sex site…it's a maker of blasphemous sex toys.

The Art of Doug Winger

  • One of the most prolific and popular furry spooge artists, Doug Winger is an example of both the best and worst of furry fandom. He's got a great attitude, and is a cool guy to talk with.

Elf Sternberg

  • One of the legends of, back before the newsgroup was destroyed by spammers.

Eli the Bearded's Page of Erotica

  • The former moderator and archivist of the newsgroup

Fucking Machines

  • Cross Home Improvement with a porno video, and this is what you get!

Jeju Loveland

  • South Korea's sexually-themed open-air park, filled with the world's great collection of erotic statues.

Jesus Loves Porn

  • What Would Jesus Wank Off To?

Fury Dolls

  • Anatomically correct Barbie dolls! (Less expensive than Real Doll, too.)

The Hun

  • Daily selection of free porn. Huge variety of sexual deviance covered.

Luke Ford

  • The gossip columnist digging up the dirt behind the scenes in the world of porn.

Magic Cone

  • An amazingly useful device to allow women to pee standing up!

Mary Anne Mohanraj's Home Page

  • Mary Anne (Kateri) is an old friend from the 1990s who has since made a career for herself as an erotica author. She certainly has fun doing…umm…research!

Mr Double

  • A web site specializing in sick and twisted incest-themed sex stories. This site is notable because it specializes in text only (no pictures) and its webmaster is a firm supporter of free speech.

Nerd Pr0n

  • A genuine nerd girl (comic books, Linux, role-playing games) who genuinely loves getting naked online.

PenisBot's Porn Links

  • Good selection of thumbnailed pornography.

Real Doll

  • The most expensive sex toy in the world!

RIIP: Fuck Your Way to a More Intelligent America

  • The Rightard Infiltration and Impregnation Project needs volunteers! Are you tired of living in an America where the majority of the populace has an IQ somewhere around 70 – maybe 80, tops? There's a solution! Screw as many daughters of Republicans that you can get your hands on and improve the herd!

Sexual Liberation Army

  • These guys use porn to draw you in and direct you to political activism sites.

Sexy Losers

  • Possibly the funniest pornographic web comic around.

Tickle Kitty

  • “Go love yourself!” A supplier of cute, funny, and orgasmic sex toys.

Vore Fetishists

  • A bizarre sexual fetish that has been adopted (some say overwhelmed) by furry fans. People get off on the fantasy of being swallowed alive, or swallowing others alive.

Wholly Love

  • …because sex is a blessed gift from God, not a sin. (It's about time someone figured this one out!)


  • Phil Foglio's erotic, hilariously funny comic book and trading card series!!

Useful Sexual Sites

All About Sex - children speak out!

Coaltion for Positive Sexuality: Sex Ed for Teens

  • Closed-minded idiots HATE these guys, which is what makes their work so special!

The Guide to Getting It On

  • Possibly the best guidebook to sex ever published!

The Positive Connection

  • A dating service for people with HIV/AIDS.

The Safer Sex Page

  • Useful information about safe sex that should be seen by everyone, young and old.

Society for Human Sexuality

  • A pro-sex activism group that represents everything the Religious Reich hates: people who believe in positive, consenting, fulfulling sex!


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sex.txt · Last modified: 2011/10/16 12:57 (external edit)