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What is the Conspiracy?

Pyramid of the Illuminati (who aren't the REAL Conspiracy) FIXME

Click the Pyramid to hear the TRUTH about the Conspiracy. [RealAudio file] FIXME

(NOTE: This was retrieved from the archive of the now defunct “First Online Church of “Bob””)

The first goal of the First Online Church of “Bob” is to end the control the Conspiracy has over us all. When this goal is achieved, we will all be more enlightened, open-minded, and Slackful human beings.

But what is the Conspiracy? When the word “Conspiracy” is mentioned in any discussion of belief, right, and wrong, your typical mediocretin immediately thinks of a hidden cabal – a group of businessmen or politicians, hidden in some smoky corporate boardroom somewhere, looking over reports of infiltration and putting their plans of world domination into action. Is this the type of Conspiracy the First Online Church of “Bob” refers to? Are we really that paranoid – is Big Brother really watching us?

If only it was that simple…

Nay, friends…as always happens in real life, the truth of the Conspiracy is far more insidious. When we speak of the Conspiracy, we are referring to the source of the world's problems…the base from which springs he hatred, the insanity, the intolerance, the indifference, and the acceptance of these flaws that allow human beings to bring harm to other human beings.

First of all, we must put one important myth to rest. When we speak of the Conspiracy, we are NOT referring to any single particular “conspiracy theory.” The Trilateral Commission…the One World Government…the Men In Black…the Illuminati…these are not the ones we refer to as the True Conspiracy. These groups, whether or not exist, are only red herrings. They are meant to DRAW ATTENTION away from the True Conspiracy, and they have succeeded admirably at this purpose. The TRUTH is this: if people spend time worrying about the FBI, or the Christians, or the Jews, or the Liberals, or the Homosexuals, or any other group put forth as a scapegoat, they will gleefully ignore the fact that their lives are being controlled WITHOUT THEIR EVEN REALIZING IT. And it's happening RIGHT NOW. RIGHT BEFORE YOUR VERY EYES.

This form of control is so subtle that no mere physical entity can effect it! No matter how much they would like to be the ones pulling the strings, the truth is that the world's problems cannot be blamed on some convenient enemy, be it the Republicans, the Rich, the Jews, the Blacks, the Homosexuals, or any other single entity.

The truth of the matter is far more insidious. The control the Conspiracy has over our lives, our thoughts, and our very souls is so complete that it cannot possibly spring from any single source.

In fact, the Conspiracy has pervaded the hearts and minds of our society to such an extent that we can only see it by looking at results of its actions.

“Where is it?” you may ask. “Where is this insidious Conspiracy, this evil you are telling us to watch out for? Who are they – or are you just being paranoid? Why haven't I seen any evidence of the existence of this Conspiracy?” You haven't seen the evidence because it is all around you!

Take off your blinders and see the work of the CONSPIRACY! The Conspiracy's influence is so insidious that it makes us think that we can live with the evils of this world…that we can just sit back and watch TV, without caring about how we are made to hate ourselves. We're not supposed to care that there are men and boys who believe women are things that exist only to serve and obey men…people who consider other people to be somehow “inferior” because they possess different color skin, or because they are older, or younger, or because they have sexual feelings for members of the same gender, or because they have sexual feelings at all…or because they simply have feelings!

Evidence? The evidence is in faces of those who believe that they have to abuse themselves to be happy, that they have to hide their true faces from the world. These people let themselves be guided by the ones who make “The Rules,” because they have been conditioned to OBEY from the very day they were born. The fourth-grade girls who go on diets, starving themselves and getting anorexia nervosa because they believe they will only be attractive if they are “thin”…grown men who blow up children in airports and day care centers because they think it will strike a blow against “the government”… people who follow the commandments of two-thousand-year-old books without question, and who consider it a “blasphemy” to actually think their own thoughts and form their own opinions of right and wrong based on their own experience and common sense. These are only a few common examples of the results of the Conspiracy's work upon Humanity! This is the Conspiracy that makes a few choice individuals RICH but devoid of any feeling and emotion…while billions of undeserving, innocent foils suffer. And they don't even know WHY they are suffering!

THAT, dear friends, is the work of the CONSPIRACY. This is the ULTIMATE CONSPIRACY, the unending, eternally-renewed conspiracy. This is the Global Conspiracy that has NO single leader, but many minions. The Conspiracy that is everywhere, controlling (almost) everyone…and yet, the vast majority of them don't even know they're being controlled!

The commands of the Conspiracy come at us at all hours of the day, in a nonstop barrage of suggestions and orders: OBEY. DO NOT THINK. WORK. SPEND MONEY. BUY THINGS. DO NOT FEEL FOR OTHERS. HATE THE UNKNOWN. HATE YOURSELF. DESPAIR. DIE. These commands are sent to us through television, newspapers, books (including school textbooks), movies, even casual conversations. Many people who think they are having unique, original thoughts are in fact spouting the Conspiracy's party line, without even realizing it…the same message being broadcast through the Conspiracy's most powerful tools: Government, Big Business, Mass Media, and Religion.

Therefore, it plain to see:

The Conspiracy is that which steals our SLACK from us!

If this isn't enough, then you must realize another basic truth: the war against the Conspiracy was lost long ago. All of Humanity was the spoils of that war. So now, the Conspiracy controls all of Humanity. And Humanity lets them do it, because the vast majority of them do not know how to read between the lines and SEE how they are being controlled.

But if the Conspiracy controls all…sees all…knows all…then is that IT? Shall we just give up, letting the Conspiracy dominate our minds and hearts?


For into this hell-pit we call “existence,” there has come a BEACON! A shining light of truth and decency! A WEAPON that YOU can use to resist the commands of the Conspiracy, free yourself from Their control, tear the wool away from your eyes, and gain back the all-important SLACK that They stole from you.

What IS this much-needed source of wisdom and Slack?

It is none other than…

J.R. "Bob" Dobbs and his mighty CHURCH OF THE SUBGENIUS!


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what_is_the_conspiracy.txt · Last modified: 2011/10/16 12:57 (external edit)